Sunday 25 April 2010


Dear Mr Maker,

My two children are enormous fans of your television program and as a result, I too have also grown to enjoy it because recently I have been required to spend a long period of time off work recovering from a head injury sustained at my place of work.

I am especially fond of your resident dance troupe, The Shapes, comprising of the circle, the square, the triangle and the rectangle who in our sex obsessed culture, make such a refreshing alternative to the practically naked, hot young babes who monopolize our television screens today, titillating us with provocative and explicit sexually suggestive dance routines under the guise of modern stage art. Yeah right . . . who needs it?

It is only fair to say that I am totally mesmerized and left in awe each time they perform their extraordinary choreographed dance routine while singing the aptly entitled song, 'I am a Shape'. Much to her dismay, my wife will frequently catch me singing this song around the house.

As an ex Royal Marine Commando, a Falklands war veteran and until recently, a licensed bouncer at a lap-dancing club in Torquay, I just wanted you all to know how much your program has inspired me these last few months giving me encouragement and fresh hope while I have been feeling forlorn, despondent and utterly incompetent.

Some nights, as I lay in bed counting what teeth I have left, I cannot help but wonder how my life could have turned out if perhaps when I was younger, I had pursued a less hazardous and safer career path along the lines of say, a lounge pianist, a fortune teller . . . or indeed as a shape.

Unfortunately, I never learned to play the piano or indeed read tea   leaves. Therefore, Mr Maker, I am writing to ask you please that in the event of an opening arising at any time in the future for a new shape to either replace an existing member of your team or perhaps to join as a new shape altogether, such as a diamond, oval or hexagon, then please could you forward me an application form at the earliest opportunity so that I may apply for the position myself.

I thank you so much in anticipation both for your time and consideration and I shall look forward to hearing from you, hopefully, in the near future.

Yours faithfully,

Lazz  Hewings